Today is thanksgiving. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. A wonderful family. A loving husband. Amazing kids. A great church family. Friends who care. I must admit though that I'm struggling this year.
At the end of September we were shocked to find out we were expecting a new little one. We were just finishing foster care licensing and were anxious to welcome a child that needed a family for a bit into our home. Plans really do change in an instant. We waited a bit to tell the kids. After Evelyn asked me for the 20th time why I was throwing up and laying on the couch we decided it was time. They were thrilled and eager to help around the house while mommy was sick. Eliza constantly patted my stomach and asked if the baby's arms and legs wiggled.
We went a few weeks before calling the doctor. I just wanted to have that time without any worries. Eventually I did call and make an appointment. It was time. JD and I went together and everything seemed fine. It was too early to hear the heartbeat so we scheduled an ultrasound for the next week. I was super nervous about the ultrasound! This was the point of no return for me. Either there was a healthy baby in there or there was no baby (like in 2007).
We get into the room and the U/S tech squirts gel on the starting to bulg belly. She puts the wand down and immediately we see a tiny, perfect little baby. Deep sigh of relief! There was a baby and it had a nice strong heartbeat. I knew this lessened the change of miscarriage for most people. With my genetics though it doesn't mean the same. See if that squirmy baby is a boy it has a 50/50 chance of making it to birth. Boys can't live with my genetic condition. BUT baby looked great. Until I notice that the tech was measuring the thickness of baby's neck. I knew she couldn't answer direct questions as she isn't a radiologist. I asked things that she could answer instead. "Do you normally measure this area so much?" "Is that baby's spine your measuring or something else?" I knew this wasn't normal 1st u/s stuff. I've done this one several times now.
I of course went home and googled exactly what I saw and the letters I saw her put on the screen while she was measuring. NT. Baby had thickness on the back of it's neck and this can be a marker for Downs and other Tripsomys. Deep breaths. The doctors office called and said we don't have the results back yet, but doc would like to meet with you on Monday to go over them. That's not normal. I had to wait the whole weekend to hear the verdict. How thick was is? That made a huge difference. I looked up my genetic condition and NT thickness and there wasn't much information. Of course not. I'm a rare breed and very unstudied unfortunately. Could be linked, maybe, was all the info I could find.
On Monday I went in with a good friend and heard that that was indeed why he wanted to see me. Baby's NT measured 3.5. Less than 3 is normal. I was pretty relieved. That was so close to normal and it could have been mismeasured. As long as baby lived I didn't care about the rest. I left feeling encouraged and was given the option of a genetic blood test for the Tripsomys and more in depth ultrasound. I agreed to both. The more info out there the better in my opinion. My sweet little girl will be facing the same things as she grows and desires to have kids.
I had the blood test on Wed and was scheduled for the ultrasound on Monday. Oh and the doctor found the baby's heartbeat while we were there too. Reassuring!
On Monday I went to the u/s alone. It was an hour away and hubby had a class in the afternoon that he couldn't miss. As I sat in the waiting room filling out paperwork in walks my husband! I was so relieved and thankful he came. He drove separately in case it went long and he had to go. So thankful he came! God knew I needed him.
We were called back and I started to get excited to see our little one again. I wasn't really nervous. I had heard the heartbeat a week ago and saw a squiggly baby just before that. I didn't know what they would find as far as Tripsomys, but that's all I was expecting. U/S tech squirted gel, baby came on screen. Sigh. There was sweet baby again. She did a few measurement and lots of pushing on my belly to see something. It was strange to me, but I just thought she was looking for something specific. She then switches it off and tells me I can use the restroom and the doctor would come talk to us. Strange. I went to the bathroom and thought through everything I'd seen. Baby was there, but she didn't measure the neck thickness. She also didn't show us the heartbeat or let us hear it. Deep breaths. Why didn't she let us hear the heartbeat? I went back into the room where JD was waiting and asked if he thought it was strange. His face told me everything I didn't want to know. He said yes and that there wasn't a heartbeat anymore. In my head I'm thinking no, she just didn't let us hear it. But really, I knew. Our sweet little baby was no longer alive. I started to cry and we hugged for a long time. In my head I'm screaming NO! This can't be! The baby was ok just days ago. The doctor finally comes in and tells us the thing we desperately did not want to believe. Baby doesn't have a heartbeat. My world crashed. I hate crying in front of people. It's not pretty and I don't want a complete strange to see that. That day though I didn't care. My heart broke in two and I couldn't breath. I asked if she was sure and she kindly turned the u/s machine back on so that we could see more clearly. Baby had swelling around it and was curled in because it was no longer alive. She turned on the color so that we could see where blood was flowing. Baby had no color at all inside it. I'm so thankful that she showed us and talked us through this. The image of my sweet tiny baby all curled up is one that I will never forget, but really wish I could. I needed to see that though. Yes, it was true. She let us have some time to ourselves and then talked with us about what comes next, etc. I'm not really sure how much I heard. I wanted out of there! I needed fresh air and didn't want to see people look at me with pity. We left and I drove home in silence. No music needed. I had to hold it together to get home safely. I cried, but didn't sob.
We had to tell the kids when we got home. They didn't quite understand, but they could see our sadness. In the days to come there were questions about death and why my stomach was still big. Little bit gave me lots of extra snuggles and hugs. There are still lots of tears and heartbreak. 4 days later and it's not any easier. Yes, I know God has a plan and that He loves me. I know that in my head, but my heart is screaming it's not fair. Why did this have to happen? Why have a surprise baby and LOTS of morning sickness all for nothing? I still don't have any answers. I know my head will get to my heart eventually. Right now though, it's hard to be thankful :(
ETA: we did find out that our baby was indeed a sweet little boy. I'm so glad that we were able to have that blood test and know for sure. It hurts more now knowing that my genetic condition is what killed him, but knowing that he was a boy is so special to me. At least I can know something about him.
