Saying Goodbye

Sweet, tiny baby Jack was born at home sleeping at 1:25am on Monday, May 18th. He was only 12 weeks. So tiny yet so perfect. 

We are heartbroken and miss him so much! He joined his brothers Jonathan (Dec 2007) and William (Dec 2014) in heaven. One day we will be able to hold them again. I'm so thankful for that promise. 

Tonight, Friday, May 22nd we laid Jack to rest. JD lovingly made him a beautiful box and I made a tiny sleep sack to lay in. 

Goodbye sweet baby. I am anxiously waiting to see you again. I love you so much 💙

Creativity Bursting Forth

Sometimes my head is so full of knitting, sewing and crafting projects that it feels like it might burst if I don't MAKE something. The other day was one of those days. It started with the living room curtains. In my quest to actually get things done that have been on my list for...ever I made the resolution that 2015 would be the year of decorating our walls. It's sad when the three year old notices that there are 0 pictures of her anywhere. Poor youngest child! 

Back to the curtains. I decided that I would finally hem our Ikea curtains in the living room instead of shoving them behind furniture where they've been for oh, 4 years. I break out the scissors and start cutting. After one is cut, I realize that the bottom part would make a great valance for the middle section of the window. I quickly cut the second one, grab the ironing board and sewing machine and get to work. 45 mins (or so) later I'm putting up the valance and happily arranging the ruffles. I of course didn't actually hem the bottom which is what I was supposed to be doing, but at least it looks more complete.

I turn around and see my sewing machine sitting there and my brain jumps to the wool sweaters that I've been collecting and want to upcycle. I grab a white cable one and plunk my hand down to make some new mittens for myself. Really, I don't HAVE to have them as I have a whole bin of mittens and gloves. But my brain just doesn't think about that! My brain thinks, "I don't have any white mittens. I NEED them so that I can match hats and scarves easily." An hour later I'm modeling my new mittens to my family. In between making dinner and other family stuff I decide that since my sewing machine is still out and my white sweater has already been cut some I NEED to make some leg warmers out of the sleeves. I mean, it's so cold! My legs deserve to be warm! I break out the rotary blade and get to work. 30 mins later I'm putting on my leg warmers and commenting on how warm my legs are :) 

I decide that I must put away the sewing machine before it taunts my brain any further. I settle in (with my leg warmers on, my mittens setting on the table and my beautiful curtains in front of me) and start knitting my second slipper. Ah! Sometimes you just simply must let the creative monster out.

One month ago

One month ago today we said goodbye to our sweet, tiny baby, William Stanley. I can't believe it's already been a month. It feels like just yesterday. My heart is still broken. Our family is still sad. We still want him back. 11 and 1/2 weeks is just not long enough time to have a baby live inside you. He should still be in there squiggling around, kicking my sides. But I'm thankful for his life. I'm thankful I could feel him kick for those 3 days. I'm thankful we have a ultrasound picture of him alive. I just wish he could still be on this earth and not in heaven just yet. 

See his full story here:

http://mylifeaskatie.blogspot.com/2014/11/sometimes-being-thankful-is-hard.html

A Week Away

(Saying goodbye to FL)

We just finished an amazing week in the western carribean. We are so blessed to be able to share a warm vacation in the midst of a cold winter. We boarded the Independence of the Seas on Sunday afternoon and began our trip in true cruising style- giant lunch! We set our stuff in our staterooms and after trying every light switch and drawer (the children, that is) we set off to explore the ship. We spent that first day and the next doing things on the ship and eating, eating, eating.

Our first port was Grand Cayman. The adults have been here before and I was excited to show the island to the kids. We went to the turtle farm. They raise sea turtles here so that they won't become extinct. The oldest mama there is 75 years old and 410 pounds. They said she spends most of hr time at the bottom of the tank. I would too...

We also went swimming with the stingrays. This is usually really fun, but this day was quite windy so Eliza didn't enjoy the ways at all. She screamed and cried until she was back safely on the boat. Evelyn tolerated it for about 5 minutes. Luke and everyone else had a great time. I stayed on the boat with the girls and took a few pics. Though it wasn't as calm as it usually is we still had fun and were glad to show the kids the stingrays.

The second port was Jamaica. We had a day pass to the beautiful Hyatt. It was right on the beach and just beautiful. They had just opened the week before so they were still working on things, but we got to swim in the pool and ocean there and eat a yummy lunch. There were passing rain clouds all day and we had several misty showers, but it was thankful for the clouds as that meant we didn't get burned :) as our day winded down and we headed back to the ship the skies opened and we got an official liquid sunshine shower.

Our final port was Labadee, Haiti. It's Royal Carribeans private beach. We went to this same beach last year, and we were all excited to go back. It's just so beautiful and relaxing! The beach is perfect. The sun shone all day. The kids were happy and thrilled to swim in the ocean, play in the sand and splash in the splash park. It was the perfect ending to our ports! 

(I guess I didn't take any IPhone pics here. I'll have to add some when I get them off my camera. I'm sure that will happen soon...)

We spent the last day on the ship playing mini golf,

 JD rode the flow rider as we cheered him on, 

ice skating 

and splashing in the splash zone. 

We enjoyed every second of our balcony which was huge and since we had adjoining rooms with my parents it was double wide as well. 

What a relaxing day. Unfortunately we took turns being sick during the week and my time had come the last night. Being stuck in a comfy bed with the ocean in my view and my belly full of yummy food was the best way to be sick though. We are so thankful for this opportunity to spend time with my parents while enjoying Gods creation and showing our children bits of other countries. What a wonderful Christmas gift of time and family!

Sometimes being thankful is hard

Today is thanksgiving. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. A wonderful family. A loving husband. Amazing kids. A great church family. Friends who care. I must admit though that I'm struggling this year.

At the end of September we were shocked to find out we were expecting a new little one. We were just finishing foster care licensing and were anxious to welcome a child that needed a family for a bit into our home. Plans really do change in an instant. We waited a bit to tell the kids. After Evelyn asked me for the 20th time why I was throwing up and laying on the couch we decided it was time. They were thrilled and eager to help around the house while mommy was sick.  Eliza constantly patted my stomach and asked if the baby's arms and legs wiggled. 

We went a few weeks before calling the doctor. I just wanted to have that time without any worries. Eventually I did call and make an appointment. It was time. JD and I went together and everything seemed fine.  It was too early to hear the heartbeat so we scheduled an ultrasound for the next week. I was super nervous about the ultrasound! This was the point of no return for me. Either there was a healthy baby in there or there was no baby (like in 2007). 

We get into the room and the U/S tech squirts gel on the starting to bulg belly. She puts the wand down and immediately we see a tiny, perfect little baby. Deep sigh of relief! There was a baby and it had a nice strong heartbeat. I knew this lessened the change of miscarriage for most people. With my genetics though it doesn't mean the same. See if that squirmy baby is a boy it has a 50/50 chance of making it to birth. Boys can't live with my genetic condition. BUT baby looked great. Until I notice that the tech was measuring the thickness of baby's neck. I knew she couldn't answer direct questions as she isn't a radiologist. I asked things that she could answer instead. "Do you normally measure this area so much?" "Is that baby's spine your measuring or something else?" I knew this wasn't normal 1st u/s stuff. I've done this one several times now. 

I of course went home and googled exactly what I saw and the letters I saw her put on the screen while she was measuring. NT. Baby had thickness on the back of it's neck and this can be a marker for Downs and other Tripsomys. Deep breaths. The doctors office called and said we don't have the results back yet, but doc would like to meet with you on Monday to go over them.  That's not normal. I had to wait the whole weekend to hear the verdict. How thick was is? That made a huge difference. I looked up my genetic condition and NT thickness and there wasn't much information. Of course not. I'm a rare breed and very unstudied unfortunately. Could be linked, maybe, was all the info I could find.

On Monday I went in with a good friend and heard that that was indeed why he wanted to see me. Baby's NT measured 3.5. Less than 3 is normal. I was pretty relieved. That was so close to normal and it could have been mismeasured. As long as baby lived I didn't care about the rest. I left feeling encouraged and was given the option of a genetic blood test for the Tripsomys and more in depth ultrasound. I agreed to both. The more info out there the better in my opinion. My sweet little girl will be facing the same things as she grows and desires to have kids. 

I had the blood test on Wed and was scheduled for the ultrasound on Monday. Oh and the doctor found the baby's heartbeat while we were there too. Reassuring!

On Monday I went to the u/s alone. It was an hour away and hubby had a class in the afternoon that he couldn't miss. As I sat in the waiting room filling out paperwork in walks my husband! I was so relieved and thankful he came. He drove separately in case it went long and he had to go. So thankful he came! God knew I needed him.

We were called back and I started to get excited to see our little one again. I wasn't really nervous. I had heard the heartbeat a week ago and saw a squiggly baby just before that. I didn't know what they would find as far as Tripsomys, but that's all I was expecting. U/S tech squirted gel, baby came on screen. Sigh. There was sweet baby again. She did a few measurement and lots of pushing on my belly to see something. It was strange to me, but I just thought she was looking for something specific. She then switches it off and tells me I can use the restroom and the doctor would come talk to us. Strange. I went to the bathroom and thought through everything I'd seen. Baby was there, but she didn't measure the neck thickness. She also didn't show us the heartbeat or let us hear it. Deep breaths. Why didn't she let us hear the heartbeat? I went back into the room where JD was waiting and asked if he thought it was strange. His face told me everything I didn't want to know. He said yes and that there wasn't a heartbeat anymore. In my head I'm thinking no, she just didn't let us hear it. But really, I knew. Our sweet little baby was no longer alive. I started to cry and we hugged for a long time. In my head I'm screaming NO! This can't be! The baby was ok just days ago. The doctor finally comes in and tells us the thing we desperately did not want to believe. Baby doesn't have a heartbeat. My world crashed. I hate crying in front of people. It's not pretty and I don't want a complete strange to see that. That day though I didn't care. My heart broke in two and I couldn't breath. I asked if she was sure and she kindly turned the u/s machine back on so that we could see more clearly. Baby had swelling around it and was curled in because it was no longer alive. She turned on the color so that we could see where blood was flowing. Baby had no color at all inside it. I'm so thankful that she showed us and talked us through this. The image of my sweet tiny baby all curled up is one that I will never forget, but really wish I could. I needed to see that though. Yes, it was true. She let us have some time to ourselves and then talked with us about what comes next, etc. I'm not really sure how much I heard.  I wanted out of there! I needed fresh air and didn't want to see people look at me with pity. We left and I drove home in silence. No music needed. I had to hold it together to get home safely. I cried, but didn't sob. 

We had to tell the kids when we got home. They didn't quite understand, but they could see our sadness. In the days to come there were questions about death and why my stomach was still big. Little bit gave me lots of extra snuggles and hugs. There are still lots of tears and heartbreak. 4 days later and it's not any easier. Yes, I know God has a plan and that He loves me. I know that in my head, but my heart is screaming it's not fair. Why did this have to happen? Why have a surprise baby and LOTS of morning sickness all for nothing? I still don't have any answers. I know my head will get to my heart eventually. Right now though, it's hard to be thankful :(

ETA: we did find out that our baby was indeed a sweet little boy. I'm so glad that we were able to have that blood test and know for sure. It hurts more now knowing that my genetic condition is what killed him, but knowing that he was a boy is so special to me. At least I can know something about him.

Another amazing sewing pattern test

So...I've never written a pattern review before, but I think it's time. I've been testing quite a few lately (sewing and knitting) and want to share the awesomeness with all of you. Of course time is sparse, but I just really don't want to do dishes right now ;) 

On to the pattern! I am so thankful that I was able to test another amazing shirt designed by Love Notions Patterns. This one is called the Hazelwood Hoodie and Tunic.

It's always a challenge for me to pick out fabrics. Does this look like something she would wear? Does this color coordinate or completely clash? How much is this? Yeah, I spend hours staring at fabrics online and in stores. OVERLOAD! I was so excited to find this cute print at Joann's and even had a coupon for 50% off. Score :) The best though is that little one loves it and wants to wear her new shirt all the time.

Ok, back to the pattern. The option I chose to make is the hoodie with a simple hood, pocket and long sleeves. It's already starting to cool off here and I wanted to have a nice fall shirt.

(Little one didn't want to wear the hood for pics, so you'll just have to use your imagination. Trust me it's adorable!)

I easily picked the size I wanted with the size chart, clicked on the size I needed to print (how awesome is that!) and what pages I needed for my options and off it went to the printer. Taped it together without a hitch and started cutting out fabrics. I really appreciate Tami's attention to detail with her patterns. There's no time or ink wasting at all. I can easily read the tutorial for the pattern on my IPad and click to where I am in the pattern. It's just makes it simple.

This shirt in particular is super easy to sew as well. A beginner can easily follow along and end up with a cute top. I love that there's 3 sleeve options too, short sleeve, 3/4 sleeve and long sleeve. Perfect for any season sizes 2t- 14.  Oh, and there's a bonus with this one too- Leggings! Fall, here we come! You can see the leggings in this pic above. This was the first test trial so yours won't be as baggy. Now I just need to find a bit of time to make big sister a hoodie too. Matching Hazelwood Hoodies? Yes, please! I think my next one will have the Pixie hood option though. How fun is that? Wonder if I could squeeze into a 14??? :/

Go here to get your own pattern https://www.etsy.com/listing/202688058/love-notions-hazelwood-hoodie-tunic-12m and use code 'hazelwood' to get 15% off for the first 100 patterns purchased. By the way, while you're at her store check out all of the other patterns that she has. The Mallory dress is a fav here. And the Samson Sweater. And the... ;)

(The Mallory Dress)

You make your own WHAT?

A few years ago I set out determined to find a deodorant that was more natural and without all of those alarming chemicals you see article after article about. Ok, first up, dump the kind I was using. Yeah, cancer in a roll up tube. Look through all the shelves at the local store to find 2 brands of "natural deodorant" on the bottom shelf all the way at the end. I bought the cheapest one. 

The next morning I hop out of the shower and happily apply my new- good for me- natural deodorant. Smells ok. Go throughout my morning cleaning the house, carrying around children and all of that other housewife stuff. A couple hours later I did the sniff test. Wow! Could've knocked me over! Go back to bathroom to freshen up and reapply new deodorant. Couple hours later- yuck-o! Hmm... maybe I'm doing something wrong. Read label. Says it may take a few days to start working effectively. Ok. I can deal with stick for a few days. I guess. Well, a week later it is not any better and I'm quickly losing friends. Throw new deodorant away and buy the other natural one. Same thing again. Sigh. Of course this can't be easy. 

Ok, should I just go back to my cancer deo? What do they expect me to do if the only alternative is to stink? I can do that without any deo at all :)

Around the same time that this experiment was going on I saw a coop for Relax Naturals http://hyenacart.com/stores/relax/ (changing owners, so hang tight if there's nothing instock) and heard rave after rave about the deodorant. Hmm... it's expensive and wiping it on my pits with my fingers is kinda gross, but I'll give it a go. Got my first tub and smeared it on. So far, so good. A few hours later I do a quick sniff test and it's still going strong. All day long I would test if it was still working and to my amazement it was! Yay! My solution!

Well, after a few months my underarms started to itch. Kinda weird, but that's me anyway. I tried itchy creams, changing soaps, etc and unfortunately nothing helped :( After a bit of research I began to assume that I was having a reaction to the baking soda in the deodorant. It doesn't happen to most people, but I'm one of the lucky few. awesome. Back to square one.

As I researched about other natural deo's out there I realized that most of them use baking soda in their recipes. It works and that's why they use it. That wasn't going to work for me though. I set out to find a deodorant recipe that it could make for myself that didn't have baking soda, but still worked. After many attempts and several recipes I think I've finally got it. Yay! I'm on my second month using this recipe and still have fresh pits and no itch. Success! So, without further ado here it is.

2 TB coconut oil (found in most grocery stores by the cooking oils)

1 TB cornstarch (try to get GMO free) *note: you can use aluminum free baking soda instead. Same amount.

3 TB arrowroot powder (found in the baking aisle)

2 drops of tea tree EO

2 drops of peppermint EO

1 drop of rosemary EO

1 small tub to put it in (I found mine in the travel section of Meijer)

In a double boiler melt coconut oil. You can use the microwave too,but I prefer the db.

Take off heat and mix in cornstarch, arrowroot powder and EO's.

Mix it all together.

Spoon it into the tub.

Let it cool. It will become hard as it does. After it's cool scrape off dime sized amount with your finger and smear on clean, shaved armpit.. Voila! You will notice that you still sweat. There's no antiperspirant as there shouldn't be for health reasons. God made your body to sweat to cool you off and rid the toxins. Your body will adapt to this though as you continue use. Not to the point of not sweating, but to the point of not embarrassing you. Other essential oils can be used too. Try to get ones that fight odor and bacteria.

This tub lasts me around a month and only took 5-10 mins to make. 5 if it's nap time, 10 if I'm asked to get water for one child, hold another child so that they can watch me stir, all while helping third child spell valentines for the 80th time. Fast, easy and after the initial investment super cheap!

~Enjoy your chemical free, lovely smelling armpits!