Silent Tears

This post is not the normal light hearted post from me. This is me being real. I'm going to start off with a little back story that some of you know. Some of you don't though. In Oct 2007 (Luke was 8 months old) we were surprised to find out that we were expecting a second child. Maybe surprised isn't the best word. Shocked beyond belief describes it better. After several doctor's visits and ultrasounds we were told that our baby was no longer with us and that I would miscarry sometime in the days ahead. This was extremely hard news especially for me. To say we were sad just doesn't describe it. We lost something that we had only begun to love. It was HARD! There were a lot of tears. There were lots of questions to God asking why. There was deep sorrow for not being able to know our child.

We had a trip to Florida already planned and decided to still go knowing that I would probaby miscarry while we were there. We knew where the closest ER was and were as prepared as much as one can be. My family was with us on this trip and also knew what was going on. Even though all of this was on our minds and hearts we still had a wonderful time. We went to Disney parks, swam in the pool, showed Luke Mickey Mouse. It was fun. On Dec 17th I woke up and knew that today would mostly likely be the day that our baby would leave us forever. We were scheduled to go to Sea World that day and were really looking forward to it. I said that I still wanted to go so off we went. This picture was taken the morning of that day.


This picture has come to mean a lot to me. It makes me think of the child we lost. It makes me remember the sadness and pain I felt. It's hard to look at and at the same time I'm so thankful for it because it's one of the only ties I have to that baby. Yes, I miscarried that day.

Fast forward to this year. We now have 3 beautiful children and 1 that lives in heaven. We were given a wonderful gift to go back to Florida this December and to go once again to Disney and Sea World. We were all excited! I'll tell more of the trip in other posts. It was a GREAT vacation and one that I know our family will talk of for many years to come. The only thing is we were going back to the place where I had miscarried our second child. I knew it would be a hard day for me. I prepared myself for this as much as I could.

As we walked into Sea World we were greeted with the same tree as in the above picture. I gasped and quickly tried to right my emotions. Luke especially was SO excited to be there and to see the whales and dolphins. I wasn't going to ruin this day for him. I swallowed the tears and hugged Eliza close. We waited in line and took this picture together.

See how I'm holding Eliza? Tightly. My mind was on our lost baby. During the dolphin show (the place where I had miscarried) I kissed my babies and let one tear fall. I will always love our lost child. I will never forget him. But I'm also SO thankful for the 3 healthy, beautiful children that I have with me.

I know I'm not the only mother out there that has this pain and loss in her life. It's sadly not that uncommon. It's for this reason I share this post. It's ok to remember and to let a tear fall. But it's also so comforting to know that one day I will get to meet my baby. Thank you, Jesus for holding him tighly while I can't!